No wine cooler on this lifeboat. Maybe we'd rather drown?

Mitch McConnell's depressed forecast suggests that survival isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Desperate Americans tried to scramble aboard the election-day lifeboat as loopy Joe Biden’s tsunami was drowning their nation. However, lifeguard Mitch McConnell wanted to make sure they fully understood the dangers of survival.

“The lifeboat isn’t painted a pretty color,” McConnell pointed out as he stood safely on the deck of his nearby seaworthy yacht, with a chummy establishment get-together going on below decks. “The lifeboat has absolutely no upholstery on the seats, so you’ll probably get splinters. There’s no wine cooler, so forget about enjoying the vintage you like. No hot plates to warm your barbecue, either.”

Frowning deeply, McConnell continued, “Your paddles may break apart, and the sextant isn’t guaranteed to help you navigate properly. I’d suggest learning to tread water for the next two years or maybe six or longer.”

The Americans rejected his advice and were fortunate to paddle away from the Biden disaster to dry land. Setting foot on shore, the hungry outcasts discovered that McConnell owned the local businesses. The grocery store had warning signs outside that they might not like what was on the shelves. The burger outlet said they might choke if they chewed improperly. The bicycle shop said they might fall off a rental, like Biden did, and the police could give them tickets if they violated the riding rules.

The American outcasts, tens of millions of mere middle-class workers who therefore enjoyed no special privilege, decided it was time to end McConnell’s status as the person who ran the show that had been advertised as the way to save them from Biden’s disasters.

This seaside satire of mine looks at the attitude behind Senate Minority Leader McConnell’s recent comments minimizing Republican hopes to regain the Senate majority this November. If McConnell can’t sound hopeful when conditions are so promising for the GOP, whenever could he manage to express robust optimism?

Joe Biden being at the helm of fellow Democrats for less than two years directly caused impoverishing inflation, energy scarcity, abortion extremism and taxpayer funding of it, fatally open borders for literally millions of invaders, medical fiddling with everything from freedom to truth, employment-killing mandates, weather radicalism, exploding crime abetted by left-wing Democrat prosecutors, kowtowing to Iranian terrorists, arrogant wokeism, coddling of trendy racism, imposition of transgenderism including meddling with little kids’ minds and bodies, the FBI becoming Democrats’ political thugs, the invasion of women’s locker rooms, the Afghanistan-exit debacle that armed Taliban tribalists to the teeth while suppressing women, and whatever else a modern Hieronymus Bosch could paint up a nightmarish storm about.

Yet McConnell shrugged to a Kentucky Chamber of Commerce luncheon that “we have a 50-50 Senate and a 50-50 country,” so Republicans shouldn’t happily be anticipating regaining control of the upper chamber in November elections. He also said, “I think there's probably a greater likelihood the House flips than the Senate. Senate races are just different, they're statewide. Candidate quality has a lot to do with the outcome.”

Does McConnell really think Americans are divided 50-50 about whether to favor the Democrat-imposed tragedies just listed above? Whatever happened in Mitch’s mind to polls showing Americans thinking the nation is headed in the wrong direction by supermajorities in the neighborhood of 78 percent versus 22 percent or so?